Worst Lube Ever
January 20th, 2012 § 6 Comments
One night, many years ago, a woman corners me at a bar. She was drunk. Very drunk. She knows who I am and what I do for a living. She asked me so earnestly and with much spittle, “There has GOT to be something better than Vasoline!?”
“For what?” I asked.
“SEX! Sex.”
There she was, this 20-something, beautiful woman using Vaseline as a lubricant for intercourse. That gooey, thick byproduct of gasoline? How on earth could she not know about lube? I was a little stunned. But ever the professional I kept my cool. I gave her the facts, a list of lubes, places to shop and just hoped for the best.
But the idea that people may be using Vaseline for sex play with partners still haunts me. It reaffirms the fact that I have a lot more work to do in this world.
On a similar note, I remember the first-time anal sex tale that Augusten Burroughs tells in Running With Scissors. He was young and in the moment, he confessed to using Queen Helene Hair Conditioner as anal lube. That story was touching to me because it was told through they eyes of a young person and with such honesty.
These tales tell us that if unprepared, the human animal with lube up with the crazy shit. So tell me, what is the worst things you have ever heard of people using as sexual lubricant? You can form your response in a “I had a friend once who…” or “I heard of a guy who…” format. We totally will not assume it was you. (Ha!)
You might also enjoy: Dear Ducky: I Have HPV | Lube Is Not a Luxury | Ducky’s Guide to Cock Rings
Reminds me of the time I saw two armatures using Crisco during the act of pegging…
Back when I was a kid I read an article about a girl who tried to use cooking oil, drunk, of course lol. Couldn’t think of anything more abrasive :S.
Cooking oil, yes, done that. It feels gritty. Baby oil, vaseline, Vaseline Intensive Care lotion which burns like fire, Hawaiian Tropic Suntan Oil (no sunscreen) which was about as successful as vegetable oil. Saliva in a pinch, but has no staying power. Straight cocoa butter isn’t bad. It’s mild, no burn, softens up well but still greasy. I liked the chocolate smell. I tried butter after reading Last Tango in Paris and let me tell you never ever use a product with salt in it.
I was so grateful to the nice people at my local sex shop passing out single use samples of their various lubes and telling me the differences. I’ve been shopping there about 20 years now, and I really like them. They also turned me onto Coochy shave lotion which is awesome – for shaving, not lube.
I’ll own this one– I used olive oil once on a silicone butt plug. The worst part was that it smelled, well terrible, and like olive oil. In my defense (maybe) I had lube– but my favorite kind was at my boyfriends house and my other bottle had mysteriously disappeared (I later found it under my roommates bed).
One of my close friends used Orajel to numb her very tired vagina and have more sex. Her boyfriend was a little disturbed when he couldn’t really feel his penis.
I have to say that mixing up a tube of muscle rub and a tube of lube is really not advisable.. It was very painful – for both of us!
I once tried to use nutella as lube to insert my finger in my then-boyfriend’s butt. It ended up a sticky mess which I refused to lick off, much as I love nutella.