Worst Lube Ever
January 20, 2012 § 20 Comments
One night, many years ago, a woman corners me at a bar. She was drunk. Very drunk. She knows who I am and what I do for a living. She asked me so earnestly and with much spittle, “There has GOT to be something better than Vasoline!?”
“For what?” I asked.
There she was, this 20-something, beautiful woman using Vaseline as a lubricant for intercourse. That gooey, thick byproduct of gasoline? How on earth could she not know about lube? I was a little stunned. But ever the professional I kept my cool. I gave her the facts, a list of lubes, places to shop and just hoped for the best.
But the idea that people may be using Vaseline for sex play with partners still haunts me. It reaffirms the fact that I have a lot more work to do in this world.
On a similar note, I remember the first-time anal sex tale that Augusten Burroughs tells in Running With Scissors. He was young and in the moment, he confessed to using Queen Helene Hair Conditioner as anal lube. That story was touching to me because it was told through they eyes of a young person and with such honesty.
These tales tell us that if unprepared, the human animal with lube up with the crazy shit. So tell me, what is the worst things you have ever heard of people using as sexual lubricant? You can form your response in a “I had a friend once who…” or “I heard of a guy who…” format. We totally will not assume it was you. (Ha!)